I Now Know

The Christmas season is here and for the first time in decades, most of our family is going out of town. I’m not saying that I’m afraid we’re going to be lonely, but when you have a huge family with four children and six grandchildren and lots of in-laws, Christmas is usually a big, chaotic, fun-filled, awesome event. So maybe what I’m really afraid of… is that my wife will be lonely. (Hopefully not!)

The fear of not having my family around reminds me of my worst Christmas ever. When I was 19 years old I moved up to San Francisco and was attending UC Berkeley, working two part time jobs, and engaged to my High School sweetheart. I was in love and thought my future looked very bright. Then it happened. Winter came, the skies turned dark, the city got fogged in, and my fiancé dumped me (and of course she kept the ring) causing me to go into a deep dark personal fog. The cold wet weather combined with the pain of being depressed and lonely in an unfamiliar city, was more than I could handle.

So I packed up my meager belongings, loaded them into my crappy old Datsun pickup truck, and headed back home to San Diego where I had grown up. Only I never made it that far because I ran out of money by the time I hit the Orange County line. It was cold and raining that first night, which made me wonder if the weather had followed me from San Francisco or if that was just a permanent black cloud hanging over my head. Either way, I was miserable. To make things worse, the only place I could afford to stay was the cheap Ambassador Inn on Harbor Boulevard in Costa Mesa. Trust me, my meager belongings and crappy old truck fit right in with the rest of the derelicts.

I was beyond depressed. I basically had no money, no friends, and no job. But since it was Christmas time, I decided to buy a tiny Christmas tree for my motel room thinking it might cheer me up. It didn’t. In fact, the only thing sadder in that room than me, was that tiny little tree. I can vividly remember sitting on the edge of the bed, praying to God for help. With the fear welling up on the inside of me, and the tears welling up on the outside of me, I was positive that I was going to be alone forever!

Somehow, I made it through that night… and the next one. A week later I landed a job at a gas station, made a few friends and got on with my life. But… I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I could go back in time and tell that young man that nobody ever has to fear being alone. You see, my faith was just starting back then, but it has fully matured now. I now know that I was never alone. I now know that there was someone sitting right next to me on that cheap motel room bed all night long, with his loving arms draped around me. And I now know his heart ached for me as much as my heart ached with loneliness. More importantly, I also now know… that he knew all along… that I would be okay! 

The difficulties in life are designed to make us better, not bitter.

~ Anonymous