All's Fair in Love and Grief

Here is a riddle. What five letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? (The answer is at the end of this Monday Message.)

Life is short. We’ve all heard that saying at one time or another. If that’s true, then it would be extremely important to embrace the positives in every difficult situation, however unexpected. Take grief for example. Grief is a part of life, perhaps today more than ever. Many people are suffering from illness, job loss, the loss of a loved one, or loss of their old lifestyle. We are all yearning for the good old days of 2019. So… How can we find anything positive in grief?

Feel it! If you find yourself facing grief for one reason or another, why not give yourself some time to feel it, wallow in it, even take a day to cry your eyes out. Take long fitful naps, cuddle under your covers, wear your pjs all day, and eat with abandon! Throw your stuff on the floor, sit in the dark, stare aimlessly, scream into your pillow. Let your tears flow, let your anger and your sadness have their day.

On day two, take a walk, breathe deeply, meditate on your grief. What exactly have you suffered or lost? What did it mean to you? Why did this happen? And then, how will I deal with this? Look for any positive angle. Pray for strength of character. Even with this loss, there must have been something great associated with it, so whatever the positives, whatever the associated blessings that came with this, add them up, write them down, appreciate them.

On day three, get creative with the positives. Look for ways to turn them into something that you can embrace, a new challenge, a new path. Here is my own personal example. Recently, I found out that two of my grandkids (ages 7 and 10) were relocating 1200 miles away, very soon. Devastation set in, grief, sadness, and thoughts of all I was losing. You might picture me going through all of the above in my grief. Still when I wore myself out with my sorrow, I knew I must find the positives in the situation.

On my own day three, my sweet little granddaughter “face-timed me” early in the morning. Being able to look into her eyes and take in her sweet freckled cheeks and red bobbed hair, made me realize I could do that with her whether near or far away. Suddenly I realized there were more positives I could build on. I could talk to her as much as I want and stay close even from far away if I just put a little effort into it. We could plan vacations for the family together, laugh together, and have our own secrets. I started to feel better. I made her a special travel kit for her long drive that included homemade apple cinnamon muffins, a hand mirror with our picture taped to the back of it, a small travel pillow, and a hand written card all tucked into a cute little duffle bag with clouds on it. I’m determined to stay connected to her and her brother and secretly plan to encourage them to attend college back in my own hometown!

Grief can be long, or grief can be made shorter, if we count our blessings in any situation. By the way, the answer to the riddle… Short!

Grief is simply love expressed in tears.

~ Terri Guillemets

I Must Do Something

Doing the right thing wasn’t always obvious to me as a young child. I’m sure I wanted to and meant to do the right thing, but as a child I needed to be taught right from wrong. Fortunately, I was blessed with parents who felt very strongly about always doing the right thing. But they didn’t stop there.

My Dad was a huge influence in my life. He believed in doing the right thing, but he also believed that we were supposed to serve God by serving others. I watched him live his life that way, always doing the right thing, but also always going above and beyond. He took pride in his work (and in his family) and If something needed to be done, he would always do it, and then do just a little bit more. He was the kind of man who would show up early, stay late, and give you the shirt off his back if you asked.

And that got me thinking… Is having character a genetic trait or something learned? More importantly, if you don’t always do right, can you change and become a person of good character? I’m not sure I know the answer to that question, but I do know that I am tested on a regular basis and last Friday was no exception.

My new company, Sundown Inspection Services, uses ultrasonic technology to test parking lot light poles for rust and corrosion. (By the way, a few years before he died, my Dad helped me develop the technology that we use today to test metal poles.) On Friday I was called out to a large industrial complex in the Mission Gorge area of San Diego. The complex was pretty old, and there were 24 poles to check, most of which were extremely rusted at the base and in need of immediate replacement.

When I got to the last pole, I couldn’t believe what I saw. The pole was on the perimeter of the parking lot, on a slight slope, totally hidden in a grove of trees. The base of the pole, which is where I do my testing, was fully encapsulated with tree branches making it hard to even see. Our contract says that, “If we cannot access a light pole, we will not complete the inspection, but will return at an additional charge when the accessibility issued has been resolved.” I stood there for a few minutes thinking about the problem. There’s only one pole left to do, but I have the right to leave and charge more money for a second trip. However, if I stay and somehow figure out a way to complete the job, the customer saves a lot of money. So in my head, the question pops up, “What would Dad do?” The answer was obvious!

“I must do something” always solves more 

problems than “Something must be done.” 

~ Anonymous

Doo the Right Thing

Consider for just a moment, that you can no longer speak and you can no longer hear. Or at least you can’t understand the spoken word. Not only that, you can’t go anywhere on your own, or drive a car, or even cook yourself a meal. You think life is tough right now with the Coronavirus, just try being your average American dog!

I don’t actually have a dog at the moment, but I do occasionally dog-sit my daughter’s dog. Actually, I have been watching over “Fitzgerald” the French Bull Dog for the past four days and it’s been quite an interesting experience. In fact, he is teaching me a lot of things, like how to be a better person.

Let me explain. The new beach house that we live in is next door to a huge vacant lot that extends all the way from the street straight down to the beach. Unfortunately, when I look out my 2^nd story  kitchen window, I see people constantly walking their dogs, or should I say pooping their dogs directly under my window. That’s not necessarily the view I hoped for when I signed the more expensive lease for our new place, but if I look out a little ways, instead of down, I do have a beautiful ocean view.

So, I’m trying to be accepting because I realize there is always good and bad with every situation. But aren’t people supposed to carry those little doggie bags so they can pick up the doggie doo left behind? Some do, most don’t, and that’s really irritating… until I had to walk a dog myself. My daughter’s dog leash has one of those little plastic bottles filled with doggie doo bags, but the very first time I took “Fitzy” for a walk the cap came off and all the bags flew away. Oh, and of course this happened right when “Fitzy” was in the middle of leaving a doo deposit. So he finishes up and I’m standing there with no doggie doo bags and a stupid look on my face. So I started running after the plastic bags, but they quickly blew down the beach and “Fitzy” wasn’t exactly in the mood to run. So there I am dragging this 30 pound dead weight hopelessly chasing plastic doo baggies that are headed south in a hurry.

So that’s when I had to make a decision. Was I going to be a hypocrite and leave the doggie doo deposit where it landed, like so many other people? Or was I going to be a man of character? I took a moment to sit down on a rock and ponder that question. But after less than a minute, “Fitzy” came over, sat down right in front of me, and stared at me. I know he can’t speak English or even understand my English, but I swear he was telling me something. His face had that look, you know, that look that says, “If you don’t do the right thing, how can you expect me to do the right thing?”

So… Did I “doo” the right thing? I’m gonna let you figure that out. (But I’ll give you a clue. Doo is easier to pick up after it dries out!) 

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, 

you would stay out and your dog would go in.

~ Mark Twain 

A Test of Tolerance

It’s actually ironic. The main reason we moved from our small beach house was because we had a really bad neighbor who held loud, obnoxious parties all the time. I say ironic because we moved to a nicer home that is a little larger and has a really great view… but it turns out that the house next door is a weekly beach rental home and there’s a party going on almost every single night during the summer.

The house next door is a huge 3-story that mainly rents to big families and/or large groups. So that’s why it gets pretty noisy, but I know it won’t ever be as bad as our previous neighbor, so I am trying my best to be tolerant. Unfortunately, with the Coronavirus, my wife and I are stuck at home most of the time, so having problematic neighbors sure can dampen our spirits at times.

But we are trying hard to maintain a good attitude. This past week, a huge family with 10 children under the age of 12 moved in next door. The sidewalk between our two houses was so filled with kayaks, bicycles, fishing gear, boogie boards, and numerous varieties of kid’s scooters, that It was almost impossible to get to our front door. But you know what, I like kids. They don’t usually drink too much, or cuss me out, or party all night long. In fact, most of the time they are pretty darn cute and entertaining. Plus, that many kids will kind of help keep all the parents in check at the same time!

So, you know how kids always say the darndest things. Well, one little boy who couldn’t have been more than 8, walked up to me on Friday and asked, “Hey Mister, why are you always wearing that thing on your face?” Fortunately, I took a moment to think about my answer. Inside I was irritated that for months now, none of the adults next door ever wear a mask when they go outside or on walks in public. I mean, the point is… aren’t we supposed to try to protect each other when we go out in public? Anyway, I looked at the little boy and explained, “I am wearing this mask because there’s a virus going around that can make people sick and I don’t want to get it… or give it to someone else.” He seemed a bit puzzled by my answer, but then he smiled and rode away on his scooter.

On Saturday morning, the same little guy approached me again. He said, “Hey Mister, my Dad says he doesn’t wear a mask because they don’t make one that fits him.” Wow! That answer really shocked me! I am a Dad of four, and a granddad of 6, and I can’t imagine lying to any one of my kids because I’m too lazy, or too cheap, or too arrogant to purchase a $3.00 mask. I didn’t say anything to the kid, but I sure did feel like having a little man-to-man talk with that Dad.

The family next door left on Sunday and I never did have a talk with that Dad. In my head, I kept telling myself to be tolerant of others, and that people have a right to their own opinions, and that I need to be respectful. But in my heart, I wondered how that Dad would feel if his carelessness cost him the life of his child, or his wife, or his own father? Tolerance is necessary, but maybe silence is not always golden.

Invisible Scars

There is nothing special about me at all. I am just an ordinary guy. But I have had some extraordinary experiences in my life. Some amazingly wonderful. Some extremely painful. So I am about to tell you about the most horrifically painful thing that ever happened to me, one that scarred me for life, in the hope that it won’t happen to you.

But first, let’s talk about what’s going on in our world for just a moment. We are in the middle of an extremely serious, world-wide pandemic. If you don’t think so, then you must not watch TV, listen to the radio, or read any current newspapers. You would actually have to be in a coma right now to not know that people everywhere are getting sick, suffering, going into a coma, and then dying. And if that’s not bad enough, the reason people are dying is actually because of other people.

But let me stop there for a moment and tell you my worst story. On Friday, May 18^th, 2012, I was driving through a residential area in Irvine. I pulled into a small shopping center. It was lunchtime, it was crowded, and I was having trouble finding a parking spot. I wasn’t drinking, I wasn’t texting, I wasn’t talking on my phone, but I was distracted in my head, thinking about my work, my wife, and my kids. Then it happened. I accidentally ran over an 88-year-old woman, crushing both of her legs. I was devastated! All I could think of was that I just killed an innocent little old lady. She was rushed to a hospital, so I rushed to the hospital as well, crying the whole way and feeling the worst emotional pain I had ever experienced in my life. She survived the night and was then moved to UCI Medical Center where she was operated on and given multiple skin grafts. She should have died several times over, so every time I went to visit her, I prayed she would still be there in that bed. It was more than 6 months before she was well enough to leave. And it was by far, the absolute worst 6 months of my life.

I am telling you this story because I know what it feels like to hurt someone, to nearly cause them to die, and I don’t want it to happen to you. When you look at me you don’t see the invisible scar that I carry inside me. But trust me, it is there, and it will never go away. And It hurts so bad that I never want anything like that to happen ever again, to me or to anyone else.

So please be careful! Stay home. If you have to go out, wear a mask every time you leave your house. Wash your hands 10 times a day, remember social distancing, and maybe save a life. You don’t want to be one of those people, like me, who carry around forever an invisible scar that will never heal.  

Better to light a candle, than to curse the darkness.

Chinese Proverb (often quoted by my late friend Pao Chi Chen) 

True Strength

When I was a very young child, I sometimes did bad things. I guess we all do, but there’s one situation in particular that stands out in my mind. It was 1963, I was 8 years old, and my Dad was overseas on a tour of duty with the Marines Corps. My Dad and I were very close and since he had now been gone for more than a year, I was missing him more than ever. Fortunately, he was due to come home soon.

In the meantime, I spent a lot of time on my own exploring the desert and the sand dunes around our small home in Yuma, Arizona. Since my father was gone and I was a very curious child who loved to explore and learn about things, I had to learn a lot on my own. One of the things I was curious about was fire, so being young and not very smart yet, I developed an unhealthy interest in fire and started playing with matches. I knew it was wrong, but my curiosity got the better of me.

My Dad finally returned from Japan and I was thrilled to have him home again, but I still kept playing with matches. One day I was in the back yard, playing in my “homemade fort” next to our rickety old wooden fence. I had graduated to adding gasoline to the mix now and had no idea how dangerous the situation had become. When I lit the cup of gas on fire you can imagine what happened. There was a huge ball of flame that scared me so bad I dropped the cup, which then set the fort on fire, which then set our fence on fire! I ran screaming into the house for my Dad to help me. “The fence is on fire!”

My Dad took immediate action, first putting out the fire, and then second lighting into me. He spanked me and then yelled at me in a really loud and angry voice. His anger scared me worse than the spanking because he kept on yelling. But then suddenly, he stopped. He saw how scared I was… and I think he realized he was scared too. He grabbed me, put his arms around me and hugged me for the longest time. Then, in a really soft voice, with his strong arms still locked around me, he said “You could have been killed and I would have lost you forever. I love you so much. Please don’t ever do that again”. I promised I would not, and I meant it.

On this Father’s Day, June 21^st, 2020, remembering that story about my Dad got me thinking. Maybe one of the reasons my Dad was so special to me was because he set not just an earthly example for me, he also set a heavenly example… by always making me feel loved in spite of my mistakes.

PFC Allen B. Thrailkill - Nagasaki, Japan, 1963

The true measure of a Father’s strength isn’t how much he can lift, 

it’s how tight he can hold on. 

~ Anonymous

2020 Vision

On New Year’s Eve 2019, I remember wondering what the new year was going to be like. I tried to envision 2020. Would it be a good year or a bad year? Would we become grandparents again, would my new company blossom, would my wife able to focus on her newfound passion for painting, would I finally be able to get my golf index into single digits? So many important (and some not so important) questions ran through my mind. But now that it’s nearly halfway over, it’s obvious that my view was blurred and that I had nowhere near 2020 vision.

I think when I was asking myself those questions, what I was really asking was one simple question. Will I be happy? It seems like happiness is at the core of every question that ever comes up in my life, because as humans happiness is what we all seek.

So here we are in the middle of 2020 and we’re in the middle of a worldwide pandemic. As of today, more than 7 million people have contracted the Coronavirus and nearly half a million people have died. Over 2 million people in the United States alone have contracted the virus and the numbers are still increasing at a dramatic rate. So this morning, I asked myself a new question, how can we possibly be happy under these conditions?

I thought about it for a long time and I even did some research on happiness. I found out that a scientific study was done and they determined that happiness typically peaks in humans at age 20. From that point it decreases until we reach the age of 70. From that point on our happiness usually increases. Or at least that is what the study says.

I strongly disagree! Yes, when I was in my 20’s and 30’s I was unhappy a lot of the time. I was trying to make my way in the world and let’s face it, this world is one tough place to live. I was scared and lonely some of the time, and totally lost most of the time. But then something happened when I was 33. I began to see that I was missing a connection with God, so I asked Him for help. It wasn’t immediate, but over the next few years, my relationship with my heavenly Father grew stronger and stronger and my level of happiness grew larger and larger. So I don’t think happiness has anything to do with age. It has to do with being able to see… to see what’s really important…and in that area my vision is totally 2020!

A truly happy person is one who can 

enjoy the scenery while on a detour.

~ Anonymous