The Smallest Cross

I have been writing Monday Messages since January of 2007. They currently go out directly to over 400 people and indirectly via my MM Blog to hundreds more and almost every week I hear back from a dozen or more people with words of encouragement or even better yet, a story of their own. It means a lot to me to hear back from people and be reminded that even though we all have our own problems and struggles; life can be so much better and more meaningful when we have friends and loved ones to share it with.

So I keep on writing. But whenever someone asks me why I write my Monday Messages I try to keep the answer simple, but really…it’s not. First, it’s my way of thanking God for all the blessings he has given me in my life. Second, my hope is that I will be able to draw people nearer to God. And third, it helps me to personally stay focused on doing what is right so I can become the best person I can possibly be. But there is actually a fourth reason as well…which I didn’t even realize until yesterday morning!

Yesterday, Easter Sunday morning, my wife surprised me with the gift an awesome silver cross. That cross was perfect for me because the symbolism has such deep meaning and at the same time it sparked a memory… About two weeks ago I received a very heartwarming email from a former customer of mine who retired two years ago. Mike was a carpenter by trade and a construction superintendent for many years, but he now lives on a ranch in Texas and spends all his spare time making small wooden crosses to hand out for free as part of his “Street Ministry” program. I always enjoyed working for him because he was so down to earth, friendly and honest. I truly miss him, but he is obviously really happy with his new found purpose in life. He told me he has carved out thousands of small wooden crosses over the past two years and has sent them for free to hundreds of “street ministers” all over the world, including sending one to me. His recent gracious email message to me truly touched me and made me realize there is a fourth reason I write Monday Messages, although it’s a somewhat selfish reason. Quite often… I get something back.

I have to say that I haven’t ever thought of myself as a “street minister” before, but I think I kind of like that term. In fact, I bet there are a lot of people out there who find their own unique ways to help others who could easily be referred to as “street ministers” as well. And I bet they don’t consider it as work or a sacrifice either because they too feel like they get back more than they give. So let me just say, I’m not qualified to preach and I’m not a pastor, I’m not even a good writer yet. I’m just an average Joe. But the one thing that will never fail to inspire me to reach higher and do more for others, especially at this time of year, is best symbolized by a cross, even one small enough to fit into the palm of my hand! 

They gave him a manger for a cradle, 

a carpenter’s bench for a pulpit, 

thorns for a crown and a cross for a throne. 

He took them all and made them the very glory of his career.

~ W. E. Orchard      

Choose Your Battles

Conflict is never a good thing but it’s obviously an inevitable thing for every human being and every animal on this earth at some point. I guess you could say it’s the “nature of the beast” but when it comes to beasts, I think we could learn something from animals if we simply pay attention to their nature.

I read an eye-opening article last week written by a local OC business woman who traveled to Africa on a safari trip. It all started with a leopard, a hyena and a dearly departed Impala. She wrote, “As we approached a beautiful leopard resting in the tall grass, a scruffy hyena fed on the carcass of an Impala nearby. Our guide explained that the leopard had taken down the Impala but the hyena had run her off. I was confused as I assumed that leopard beats hyena hands down in the rock, paper, scissors world of nature. But our guide explained that while the leopard could have succeeded in defending her kill, the hyena’s strong jaws would have likely wounded her in the battle. This leopard has two cubs so if she were to sustain even a minor injury she could lose weeks of hunting ability, potentially threatening her cubs’ survival. This risk/reward strategy was automatically programmed into the leopard’s genetic code so perfectly that the analysis occurred instantaneously, resulting in her decision to let the hyena win – for the moment. Her strategy paid off, as the hyena eventually lost interest and the leopard was able to reclaim her prize and feed her cubs.” The leopard seemingly lost the battle…but ultimately won the war!

Reading that article reminded me of the provision of nature for such wise decision making. And it also reminded me that as a long term business leader, father of four and grandfather of six, that I do not always practice such wise decision making. Many times, especially in my professional role, when I am faced with conflict I don’t always stop to ask myself, “Is this the Impala to die on?”

One part of my problem is that I am a man (a man with too much pride at times). The other part is that society does not celebrate men who surrender. We prefer to applaud bravery and bold action believing that the battle goes to the quick and the strong. Well, the battle is not important, the war is…and that’s the lesson of the leopard.

Perhaps we are too many generations removed from the inherent capacity for instinctive risk/reward analysis, but we can learn to reclaim that lost art if we work at it. I grant you that today’s world is far more complicated and far more crowded and that everyone and everything is constantly clawing for our attention. But that doesn’t mean we have to respond to conflict with instant action. I am learning that if I take a moment to think things through and envision the results of my actions before I act…there might not even be a need to go to war! 

You do not lead by hitting people over the head. 

That’s assault, not leadership.

~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

Turning Point

Easter is coming so a lot of people will soon be thinking about Easter Bunnies and Easter Egg hunts. But Easter is special to me for a different reason. It reminds me of a cross I helped to install on top of a mountain many years ago that became a huge turning point in my life.

In 1988 I was living and working in San Diego and everything seemed to be going in the wrong direction. My personal life was in a shambles and I had nobody to blame but myself. I kept getting more depressed. And the more depressed I got, the more sins I committed. At one point I considered taking down the copy of the 10 Commandments that hung on my wall, or at least crossing off five of them, so I wouldn’t have to think about what a wretched mess I had become.

I knew I had to make some difficult changes in my life, beginning with my marriage. But change is scary and in my case I had a ton of changes to make. I remember praying one night for the courage to change the things I knew I could, and waking up the next day feeling eerily calm and yet somehow very strong. I vowed to change my job, marriage and some of my friendships…and I did so that very same day.

Life became super hard for me at first and really lonely. But later that same week as I was driving up to Orange County to find a new place to live, I heard an interesting announcement on the radio. A small group of volunteers were looking for help to install a cross on top of an historic mountain and specifically needed help with the electrical wiring and lighting. It was right up my alley and would give me something to do that would make me feel good about myself for a change. It would also help me honor God for answering my prayers for strength and courage. I spent the next 6 months climbing that mountain hundreds of times and its kind of funny… but as I carried the equipment on my back up and down that mountain, it felt like a ton of weight had actually been lifted off my shoulders.

I still help to maintain the “Battle Mountain Cross” and will continue to do so for as long as I live. But unfortunately both the Cross and I are looking a little tired and worn out these days. I know I can’t afford plastic surgery for myself, but since the cross is in dire need of a new paint job, our small group of volunteers hired a painting contractor last week to give it a much needed face lift. This was no easy project because there are no roads going up the mountain but the determined crew got the job done beautifully.

Looking back on my life I can see what a huge turning point that was and how much happier I have been ever since. At that time in my life I thought I knew what path I was on and where I was going, but in reality I was lost. I think sometimes God says “Yes” to the path we choose and sometimes God says, “No, this isn’t the journey I have planned for you. I have routed you temporarily through the City of Struggle.” And while the road through the City of Struggle might be tough, at least with God’s help, there is a road!

Things do not change. We change.

~ Henry David Thoreau 

Coincidence?

I have four children that I love very much and I thank God every day for blessing me with the privilege of being their father. Three of my children were born with a high degree of intelligence, so at this point they all three have college degrees, good jobs, a strong work ethic and a strong faith. They bring me such great joy and happiness. But I also have one child who struggled in school and continues to struggle in life and it makes me extremely sad. We can try hard to be good parents and give it our best effort, but sometimes it’s just not going to be enough.

A little more than two weeks ago my son’s troubles were weighing extremely heavy on my heart. I had just found out that he had been hospitalized overnight for alcohol issues and although he was out of the hospital, his prognosis didn’t sound good. So on Tuesday February 9^th, as I was driving down Alicia Parkway in Mission Viejo taking my wife to her Pilate’s class, I noticed a small church with people out front holding up signs. One sign said, “Had a tough day?” Another sign read, “Got 60 seconds?” And another sign offered, “Drive through prayer today, 3-5:00pm.” My wife looked over at me in the car and said, “After you drop me off, why don’t you go back to that church for a few minutes. You need it, it can’t hurt and it might help!”

I thought about what she said and told her I wasn’t going to do it…But I did it anyway. I pulled up into the driveway of the church next to a small white tent and a couple (Pat and Steve) approached my driver’s side window. I told them about my son and how he was trying so hard to change his life. I told them I feared he wasn't going to make it and then I lost it and broke down in front of them. Together they reached out and took my hands and they both said a short heartfelt prayer for my son... and for me. Although my tears never did stop I somehow managed to thank them both for their help and support before I drove away. It was really hard to share my family life and personal concerns about my son with complete strangers, but at the same time it felt so good to give it to God. And like my wife said, it can’t hurt and it might help!

On Friday, February 26^th, I received a message from my Son. It was short and sweet but oh so great to read. “Hi Dad, Sorry I haven’t texted in a few days, but good news. 16 days sober!! One day at a time.”

Maybe it was simply a coincidence that 16 days earlier I was at the “Drive Through Prayer” Church. Or maybe it wasn’t! 

Mission Hills "Drive Through Prayer" Program

Joe and David

God hears our prayers even when we can’t find the words to say them.

~ Anonymous

Obstacles and Failure

I have a great group of salespeople working for me at our company who never cease to impress me. They take their jobs very seriously, put in a lot of extra effort and bring a great attitude to work every day. But being a salesperson isn’t easy. In fact, it can be downright difficult and demoralizing at times.

Recently one of my salespeople came to me very discouraged. He had put in a ton of effort on a project to improve the lighting at local apartment community. He surveyed the entire complex, photographed the existing light fixtures, took foot-candle readings at night, and then prepared a detailed written plan for upgrading to a new LED lighting system. His recommendations were excellent and would greatly improve the light levels while saving thousands of dollars per month in electricity. The customer was so impressed they decided to move forward with his recommendations. However, they also decided to send his written specifications to several other lighting companies to bid on and unfortunately a competitor came back with a lower price using cheaper Chinese import fixtures. Despite my salesman’s advice to stick with major brand fixtures with a strong warranty, the customer chose to save a few dollars.

I could see the disappointment in his eyes and hear the discouragement in his voice but I wasn’t about to validate his negative feelings. So my first question was, “Did you thank the customer?” He looked at me funny. “That customer gave you such great gifts”, I said. “He gave you experience, helped you develop your product knowledge and moved you one step closer to long term major success in your career.” I could see by his bewildered look that he wasn’t getting it, so I offered to explain.

For ten years I played baseball but really sucked at hitting. I would either strike out or ground out and it was extremely discouraging. Finally, I got tired of failing and got serious about practicing. For nearly two years I took hitting lessons every week and hit thousands of BP pitches until my hands were permanently calloused. My confidence grew along with my skills and not long ago I found myself in the biggest game of my life. It was the final game of the MSBL World Series in Phoenix, bottom of the 10^th inning, with two men on, two out and the scored tied. I should have been nervous but because I had practiced so hard, I felt relaxed. The first pitch was a slider and I opened up too early in my swing and missed it badly. I realized my mistake and stepped back in. The second pitch was an inside breaking ball that just caught the corner of the plate for strike two. I realized my mistake, thought about it, and then stepped back in. I had made two mistakes and the count was 0-2, but I knew from my mistakes exactly what I needed to do. When the next pitch came, I was ready for it and drove it to left centerfield for a base hit and a walk off win! In a way, failing is what gave me the experience I needed to finally succeed.

I could see my salesman smiling as I finished my story. And although he may have been being a bit sarcastic, he said, “You’re right, I’m going to send that customer a thank you card right now!” I just laughed and told him you may not always get what you want but remember this… Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted!

Dear Lord,

Help me to remain humble through obstacles and failure…

But hide not from my eyes the prize that comes with victory!

~ from “The Salesman’s Prayer" by Og Mandino 

Timing

Last week somebody mentioned to me the expression, “Timing is everything”, and I agreed. Actually, timing is important and wouldn’t it be great if every good thing we ever wanted to have happen, happened exactly when we wanted it to. However, that’s rarely the case. But maybe the proper timing is happening… and we just don’t know it!

I’ll give you an example.  When I was a young boy, around 14 years old, I kept having this recurring dream about a girl. In my dream her name was Debby and she was perfect in every way. Since I kept having the same dream over and over I figured it had deep meaning and that someday I would surely marry a girl named Debby. Well, none of my girlfriends in High School were ever named Debby, but in the back of my mind I knew someday I would surely meet her. By the time I was 21 though, I was anxious to get married and start a family but I still hadn’t met my dream girl named Debby. So being young and dumb and very impatient, I married someone with a different name, and did it on my timing.

Unfortunately, that marriage had problems from the start. But I gave it a great effort and stayed married for 16 years before I finally gave up and asked for a divorce. I am not sure why I got married in the first place and I am not sure why I stayed married for so long to the wrong person, but maybe it was God’s plan for it to happen that way. Because fortunately for me, three years later I found and fell in love with my true dream girl and guess what…her name was Debby!

I have been married to Debby now for over 20 years and I can truly say I have never been happier. She has been the best wife any man could ever want and I think the reason we both feel like we know and understand the meaning of true love…is because we were both in long term marriages before with the wrong person. We learned a lot from that experience and we both grew and matured so that when we finally came together, the timing was right. I realize now that God will bless me when the time is right and most importantly, I need to trust His timing not my own!

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day so I wrote my wife a poem that reflects the story above. I hope she liked it and I hope she never forgets that she was and is and always will be my “Dream Girl” forever.

Joe, Debby & Family - Valentine's Day 2016

Dream Girl

The very first time that I had the dream,

I was really very young, only fourteen.

When my dream girl appeared for the very first time,

I began to feel flush like a vintage rose wine.

My dream girl had dark hair that was silky and long.

Her smile was wide and her laugh was strong.

And I knew right away she was perfect for me,

For my dream foretold who my dream girl would be.

My dream girl would be pretty with a “Girl Next Door” look.

She would be smart and witty and love to cook.

She would love to play softball and climb a few trees,

And she wouldn’t even cry if she skinned her knees.

My dream girl would be kind and loyal to a fault,

even willing sometimes to lock her feelings in a vault.

She would put herself second to others every day,

being designed by God in such a deep loving way.

I kept dreaming that dream and feeling that desire

to finally meet her and passionately light her fire.

But more than twenty years passed without any luck

And so many times over the years, I felt truly stuck.

And then it happened like a crazy surprise.

And all it really took was for me to open my eyes

For my dream girl was close, as close as a friend.

It seems my days of loneliness were about to end.

And now that another twenty years has passed,

You know how they say that love doesn’t last.

Well they’re not only wrong, they couldn’t be wronger

Because our loves grows deeper, every day, ever stronger.

The girl that I dreamed of back when I was very young

(and I know this is going to sound kind of far flung)

But she was part Italian and loved olives and lace,

You see my dream girl’s name is Debby Dollface!

Three Kinds of People

I really enjoyed Super Bowl weekend but I actually had as much fun on Saturday as I did on Sunday… and here’s why.  Two of my young grandkids came over on Saturday and we spent the whole day together on the beach playing catch with a football, playing whiffle ball baseball, skipping rocks in the water and doing cartwheels in the sand. Jack is 9 and Andie Rose is 7 and I have to say they are two very different people.  Jack is all boy, mechanically inclined, really smart and always on the go. Andie Rose on the other hand is more laid back, super sweet and super cute, and basically attaches herself to me when she comes over, which I don’t mind at all. She is very loving and caring and although she is much smaller and younger than Jack, she is the one who ends up taking care of him.

Watching my two grandchildren play and interact reminded me of something. You know how some people are dog people, and other people are cat lovers. Well, in my opinion there are actually three kinds of people in this world - dog lovers, cat lovers and people who have a heart big enough to love all types of animals. Andie Rose falls into that last category and I am not just talking about loving animals, I’m talking about having a heart big enough to love all types of people in the world as well.

While we were sitting on the patio Andie Rose showed me a photograph of her new cat, Gracie, and it reminded me that I had a cat once when I was young. I lived on a ranch when I was 14 and often rode my motorcycle to school or hitch hiked if I was out of gas. One day I hitched a ride home from a truck driver with a huge 18 wheeler freight truck. As we neared my parent’s ranch, my pet cat jumped out across the road and the truck’s tires instantly made several crunching thumping noises. I knew it was bad. I asked the driver to let me out because that was my cat that just got ran over and I wanted to see if he was okay. The truck driver started to laugh at first (obviously that cat was now flat) but then he realized that he had just killed my pet and began to feel bad. He said he was sorry and as I exited the truck I tried to act tough. I told him it was okay because my cat, Old Weird Harold, was always out hunting rabbits and I figured he was "gonna get ate" by coyotes some day anyway. But as I walked down the road and spotted what was left of my cat, I started to cry. I found a piece of cardboard and carried Old Weird Flat Harold all the way up our long winding driveway, crying the whole way home. Fortunately, my Dad was there so we talked about what happened and then we buried my cat down by the stream.

I didn’t tell Andie Rose the story about my flattened cat because it would have made her sad. People like Andie Rose are unique because they have the ability to internalize the pain going on inside others and will typically go out of their way to offer their sympathy, help and love. I’m not saying dog people are bad or cat people are bad. All I’m saying is… I don’t know what path Andie Rose will choose to take as she experiences life in this world, but I do know the world will be a better place with people like her in it. 

Andie Rose and "Gracie"

Lots of people talk to animals… Not very many listen, though… That’s the problem.

~ Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh