Talk About Change

I’m not sure exactly when it happened. But at some point in my life, when I was still a young man, I learned that you either adapt or die (figuratively)!

Maybe it was when I was 16 and my parents moved from Fallbrook to San Francisco, and I decided to stay behind. I could no longer depend on my parents for food, housing, clothes, etc. Talk about change! I had to get a part time job at a gas station, pay for all my own expenses, and still make it to school every single day. I learned a lot about adapting during that phase of my life and most of it through suffering, hunger, and loneliness. I also learned that there are very bad people in this world who will take advantage of you every chance they get, so you better learn to adapt to your surroundings.

Or maybe it was when my business was struggling in San Diego and my first marriage was failing at the same time. I made the difficult decision to move to Orange County and start my life over. Talk about serious change! New business, new place to live, new friends, and more importantly, a new outlook on life focused on my Christian faith and a desire to help out a local charity in south Orange County.

Or maybe it was in March of 2020, when the first world-wide pandemic in over 100 years put a stranglehold on life as we know it. The pandemic changed everything about “normal life”. No more socializing and no more eating inside restaurants. Even going to a grocery store was dangerous. So many things that we enjoyed and took for granted, were no longer possible. Talk about hard changes!

So I'm glad that I learned to adapt to change when I was still fairly young. I believe it’s an extremely important skill set because the only thing constant in this world… is change. And have you noticed that change is happening again? The Covid situation is easing up and people are starting to return to a more “normal life” once again. But the question is… will we go back to taking things for granted?

And that question got me thinking… For nearly three years, I haven’t been able to spend time indoors with my family, go to a movie theater with friends, or enjoy a romantic dinner with my wife at our favorite restaurant. So what is the lesson I learned from the radical change that Covid dumped on our lives? Never take the people you love for granted!

Joe and Debby at their favorite Restaurant pre-Covid

In time of test, family is best.

~ Burmese Proverb

The Four T's

Last week I ran into a friend that I hadn’t seen in years. We’ll call him George but that’s not his real name. George and I have been friends for over 35 years, so we sat and talked a while, catching up on each other’s lives. We laughed and joked about the good old days, and it felt really great to see him. But then my friend turned serious for a moment. He told me that he was upset with me… and then he told me why.

I think personal relationships, whether between family, friends, or a spouse are the most complicated things we have to navigate in life. But when it’s all said and done, relationships are what truly matter most. They determine our legacy and often, in some ways, mirror our relationship with God.

I read somewhere that relationships consist of the four T’s, and it starts with Trust.

Trust is crucial. Without trust their can be no relationship.

Time is important. If we don’t make time for our family, or friends, we won’t have any.

Talk helps. Whether on the phone or better yet in person, communication counts, especially listening.

Touch is also important as it can be loving and healing, and almost always helps to create a bond.

I like to think of myself as a good and loyal friend to all I know. I say that about myself because I know that whenever a family member or friend has ever called me for help, I have been there for them. I enjoy helping others, it just feels good as it should. But what if they don’t… call me?

About three years ago, George was going through a hard time. He called and told me he was really upset about his job. He said he was trying to buy a new home in a different county, but needed to step back from his job and either look for a new company to work for or switch industries. His Mother-in-Law just passed away, his brother also passed away, and his Father was elderly and really sick. We talked for a long time that day and I told him to call me if there was anything I could do. But you know what I didn’t do, I didn’t call him again to check on him for a really long time. For several years. Shame on me!

And that got me thinking… Being a good friend or spouse, father or mother, brother or sister, has to be an active verb. It has to mean action. It has to mean that people can trust you to make time for them when they need you, talk to them and listen to their troubles, and reach out and touch them to show that you care. I failed with George, but I learned a lesson… I will not fail to take action next time!

There is no friend like the old friend, who has shared our morning days.

No greeting like his welcome,  no homage like his praise.

Fame is the scentless sunflower, with gaudy crown of gold.

But friendship is the breathless rose, with sweets in every fold.

~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

A Simple Smile

On Friday, I drove to Brea High School to survey and count the light poles. Sounds easy right, but it wasn’t. It stressed me out! But let me back up a minute and I’ll explain why.

I have two grandchildren that are teenagers now. They are brother and sister and attend the same local High School, yet they are both unique and totally awesome in very different ways.

I love them and have always enjoyed spending time with them, but now that they are older I see them changing. I see serious looks on their faces where there used to be an easy smile, and I know it’s because they’re dealing with the stress that inevitably comes with being a teenager. Let’s face it, growing up is hard to do and learning to deal with stress is just part of the growing up process. But too much stress can be overwhelming and take the joy right out of life. So I wish I had an easy answer as to how to deal with it, but I don’t… Or maybe I do!

As I drove into the Brea High School parking lot, I was immediately stopped by a man in a golf cart. He wanted to know who I was and what I was doing. I explained that I was a vendor and would check in at the office. I noticed the school had thick iron gates and as I approached the entrance I was stopped again by an adult asking me why I was there. When I went into the office, I had to show my driver’s license, business card, and the name of my contact at the school. They fingerprinted me (just kidding) and then gave me an I.D. badge that I had to pin to my shirt. Then they escorted me to the iron gate and slowly and carefully unlocked it like I was entering the lion’s cage at the zoo. Things were certainly not like that when I went to High School!

It was lunch time, so inside there were tons of kids milling around. Some were sitting on benches, or huddled in small groups, and most of them stared at me with a suspicious look as I walked by. It was sad because most of them looked worried, scared, or angry, and it made me feel guilty and stressed out for some reason, even though I was there to help improve their school.

But then something strange happened. As I turned to walk down a corridor, a huge rough looking  Hispanic boy, with a scraggly mustache, and a gnarly neck tattoo walked by me. It wasn’t his gang member look that shocked me, it was what he said, “Good morning, sir. How are you?” His sincere smile and warm greeting surprised me so much that I’m not even sure I responded verbally. But I did respond in one way… my level of stress went way down.

And that got me thinking… A smile is not just a powerful tool of tenderness, it’s a weapon that can help wipe out stress!

A simple smile. That’s the start... of opening your heart... and doing it with style.

~ Anonymous

Get Good, Be Good

Yesterday morning I went to a nearby sports field to play catch with my youngest son. I’m 67 and he’s 39, but when we throw the baseball around, it feels just like it did when I was 37 and he was 9. So much fun! He is naturally athletic and still has a tremendously strong throwing arm. I am not naturally athletic and never did have a strong arm, but I loved baseball and spent more than 15 years trying to get good at it when I was in my 50’s and 60’s.

I love sports and competition, but I had to give up baseball in 2020 due to Covid and an aging body. Fortunately, I discovered golf, which helped me fill both those voids. However, I also discovered that golf is extremely hard. At least for me it is. And maybe that’s because if baseball is a 5-tool sport, golf is more like a 20-tool sport. You have to get good with all 14 different clubs in your bag, and hit off 6 different types of playing surfaces. So I practice 2-3 times a week and play a competitive golf match once a week, but I don’t consider myself “good” yet.

However, my wife is good at it. Yesterday afternoon, we played golf together at the Coto de Caza course by our house. She is also a naturally gifted athlete, having played softball her whole life at very high levels. As far as golf, she doesn’t practice, she doesn’t even stretch, and yet she plays extremely well. She easily kept pace with me yesterday, even beating me on several holes. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy playing golf with her and I’m happy when she plays well, but it does point out that if I ever want to be good at it, I am a guy who needs to work at it.

And that got me thinking… I am working really hard to become a good golfer, but shouldn’t I also be working really hard to become a good person as well? Unfortunately, life is more like a 1000-tool sport. So many challenges, so many struggles, so many problems that pop up out of nowhere. It feels like you’re landing in the rough on every shot you take, and the ball just won’t go in the hole. Like sports, I am not naturally gifted at life, but I will keep working at it. Why? Because I don’t want to get good… I want to be good!

Golf is like the game of life; it will show up what you are.

If you take your troubles badly you will never play to par.

~ Edgar A. Guest

 

Touchstone Goal

With the new year comes new strength and new thoughts. And one thought that keeps popping up in my head is, “What goals should I set for 2023?”

Listening to the radio yesterday, I heard an interview with a bright and articulate young golfer. He had just finished a very successful rookie season on the PGA Tour and was asked about his goals for the new year. He said he had written out several “Tombstone Goals”. When asked by the reported to define that, he explained that Tombstone Goals were essentially a list of what you achieved in life. Things you would want written on your tombstone.

I found that interesting, especially since yesterday my wife and I visited a cemetery in Arcadia near her childhood home. We had gone up to the Los Angeles area to preview the beautiful floats that were being prepared for the Rose Parade, but detoured through Arcadia so my wife could take a walk down memory lane. We visited the home where she grew up, the school she attended, the small strip center where she rode her bike, the YMCA where she swam every summer, and the quaint little cemetery next door to it.

Hearing that golfer’s interview, and seeing tombstones at the cemetery, made me think about my life and what, if anything, I have achieved over the past 67 years. It made me ponder, what would I want written on my tombstone?

When I was younger, like that golfer, my answer would have been to list my achievements. But today, a bit older, and a bit wiser, my answer is I don’t care what you put on my tombstone. What I do care about is… how many people can I “touch in a positive way” before I die. Let’s call it my Touchstone Goal!

  What the new year brings to you depends

a great deal on what you bring to the new year.

                                                                                 ~ Vern McClellan